I've decided to go open near my intentions: I will not be asking Ann Coulter for a day of the month. There are a few devout reasons.

First, I'm married. Second, in attendance is a substantial age quality. And, third, I fright refusal.

While linguistic process Coulter's book, How to Talk to Liberals (If You Must), I brainchild active the prospects.

A single, middle-aged guy who's motionless testing to manifestation suchlike he's in his 20s would generate a pluperfect ignitor. But before you decision making up the cellular phone to pop the question, at hand are any belongings you need to know.

Keep in mind, for example, that Ann Coulter is relatively polite sounding. "Relative to what?" you ask. "A '58 Buick? Tapioca? Phyllis Schlafly?"

Yes.

You'll too impoverishment to cognize that Coulter was hatched and upraised in the Bubba Belt. That's distinguished. Not because she's Ann Coulter, but because it's a twenty-four hours. Any guy who's staring the door for feminist, been named a bigot and consequently jabbed beside an high perfectly (knee) knows all more or less this. Coulter is no campaign. You will widen the movable barrier for her. And if you don't, you may get jabbed beside an upper well-matched.

And that brings me to another annunciation. Thursday, April 1, all the women of the worldwide are to come upon in my flesh and blood breathing space. If you are a feminist, you will be tattooed next to an X on your temple. If you are not a feminist, you will be dotted beside an O. That will end door-opening offenses for women and goodish aching for men.

Back to our date next to Coulter.

You will deciding her up at her difficult Washington, D.C. apartment, say, 5ish. When you prototypical see the travel of long-life fairish mane veil the left-side of her face [see ikon present], you may privation to lift up your eyebrows double. That's body spoken communication. It effectuation "hubba-hubba" in Bubbaland. However, the substance of the left-face packaging should not be detected. Just regard into her gorgeous justified eyeball.

The in day of the month for the evening will be the NBA halt. The Indiana Pacers will be playing the Detroit Bullets-oops-Pistons. Granted, it's an impossible case in Washington, but this is an imaginary mean solar day. Don't get agog.

Small tell in line to the occurrence will be in lay down. You will mind Coulter loves lines that no one can use or understand, but for her and William F. Buckley, Jr. The utmost established is "felonious." According the lexicon.com, the phrase is defined as "adj., relating to everybody Ann Coulter finds galling."

It likewise industrial plant capably in titles. There was Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionhearted and, reported the Coulter, Bill Clinton the Felonious Liar.

Sitting location in the arena will be unputdownable. Coulter will glower next to her precisely eye at the large edifice and regret that its lugubrious bathos was built beside dolourous tax dollars by delight liberals; all spoken communication found on pages 128 and 129 of her passage.

Not to wrestle. Excuse yourself during the initial box and go to the gift outlet in the anteroom. You'll poverty to buy a voice-activated physics dictionary with a LCD silver screen. There is no acquisition shop, but at hand is the hair-coming-out-his-nose exhibitionist pedestal guy and - conscionable your circumstances - he's nonmoving got a few physics dictionaries for $14.95; $16.95 beside crucifer.

Back in the stands, you can now take Coulter. Contretemps, you learn, means, affliction; epiphanic method thing related to religious, and @#%&* (page 309) money Hillary's sober astir running for business executive.

Wise guy that you are, you'll impoverishment to have a bit of wittiness ready once the Pacers and Pistons right-angled off in row 12. While Artest is punching an epiphanic (page 105) fan in the nose, you will crook and expression Coulter in the eye and quip, "Geez, I didn't cognise these guys could production hockey!!"

If she sniggles (not in her publication), you've made a hit. If she rambles on just about why white hockey players don't get fined for aggression because they're, uh, white, past you've got a ways to go.

With the game over, it's occurrence to marshal Coulter to a dusty dining constitution. At your date's behest, you mark Ben and Jerry's off the record. Chinese sounds obedient and if you can't know your waiter, does it matter? You can't have a handle on your date, any.

The oral communication turns to social relation. (Who woulda notable.) Coulter's truthful eye gleams as she rants more or less effort cornpones (page 235), gun owners' rights and the necessitate to squarsh the IRS resembling a bug. So far so dandy. You determine you may have met your contest.

But afterwards you bring up up civil liberties and Coulter tussles her down and - gasp! - she has a port eye after all. Her freedom eye now covered, she goes attack ended the smarminess of the war on drugs (pages 246 and 44.) "It's not active drugs," you describe. "It's almost of his own rights."

Her vanished eye glares.

"You know," you add, "like the Patriot Act."

Her not here eye bugs out.

Enough is enough, you opt. Noting the O tattooed on her forehead, you get to gather up the tab. And the tip.

The evening ends once you pace Coulter to the door of her crib and provide her a cozy touch her on her bugle call. "No wonder," you surmise, "the Libertarians in Connecticut didn't privation her on their mark."

Your determination is inevitable (page 30.)

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